There aint nothing more depressing than a pine tree
Gussied up with candy canes and balls
Those carollers have kept me up for hours
Its Merry Chrisas seeping through my walls
Now Im no wiccan commie nut or nothing
But theres one damn holiday that I cant stand
It aint Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But itll surely make a fool out of every man
If I aint drunk then it aint Chrisas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I aint hammered it aint Hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I aint cock-eyed it aint Quanza
Joy to the world of Jack & Cokes
If I aint drunk then it aint Chrisas
Cuz I aint ever anything but broke
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as a people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world lets buy some peace and quiet for a change
Before we spend it all on fucking toys
So If I aint drunk then it aint Chrisas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I aint hammered it aint Hanukkah
Fa-la-la-la-la GO FUCK YOURSELF
If I aint cock-eyed it aint Quanza
Joy to the world of getting stoned
If I aint drunk then it aint Chrisas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone
